Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
