so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
