So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize