I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
