Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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