I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
