He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
