Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
