Only a mothe r could love this liver
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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