Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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