Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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