i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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