just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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