I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
