Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
