i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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