You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize