if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
