So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
