im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
