Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
