so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
