I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
