im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize