Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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