Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
