1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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