dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
