My first STD was from a foam party
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
