I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize