Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
