everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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