3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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