You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
