You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
