I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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