either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
