i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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