Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
As shirtless as possible
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
