I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
