remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
