So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
