your parents love me but you hate me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
