i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
