I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm passing your future prison.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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