It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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