Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
