is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Semen is not good for contacts.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
