textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
