So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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