shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
