I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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