I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sorry about my life...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
