Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
