you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
