Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
