College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize