can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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