The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
