I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
