if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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