the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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