I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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