I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
