i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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