the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
No subtext here. People are naked.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
