A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
